Think Twice Before Involving Your Children In Your Divorce

Many of you have heard the term "parental alienation." The term is a lightening rod and the accusation made all too often for conduct, while terrible, that is not parental alienation. In fact, I have heard a few judges say that they get allegations of parental alienation in a large majority of their cases – creating a "boy that cried wolf" effect whereby judges don't take seriously real alienation.

That said, in many cases, what is being labled as "alienation" is the improper involvement of the children in one way or another. Some times, the improper conduct is direct, and sometimes it is more insidious and indirect. Here are some examples of improperly involving the children in the case.

Badmouthing the other parent to the children Badmouthing the other parent in the children's presence Badmouthing the other parent in the community in a way where it could either get back to the children or stigmatize the other parent making their attendance at public events that the children are involved in uncomfortable. Attempting to buy the children's affections. Telling the children that you give mommy all the money so you can't buy them anything. Telling the children that daddy doesn't give you enough money so you can't buy them anything. Telling your children to go ask the other parent to buy them what they want because you can't afford it. Making the children messengers Portraying your self as a victim, all of the time and in front of the children such that you are asking explicitly or making the children feel that they have to protect you, if not protect you from the other parent. Exhibiting so much anger for the other parent, in the presence of the children, such that the children feel that they have no choice but to be hurt or angry at the other parent too – not because they feel that way, but to not disappoint you (and/or because they feel that you will be angry at them if they don't act the same way that you do to your spouse.) Sharing adult information with the children. Telling the children (or doing it in their presence) about your spouse's...